Lung cancer doesn’t just affect the person diagnosed; it impacts on their whole family. When Jo Canham’s dad was diagnosed, she was devastated but felt she had to stay strong.
What she realises now, and what she wants others to know, is it’s ok to not be ok. Jo shares her experience to encourage others to look after themselves as well as caring for their loved one.
“I couldn’t put my finger on why I wanted to share my dad’s story,” says Jo. “One of the reasons is to say to others never leave anything unsaid.
“When I said goodbye to my dad, I kissed him and told him I loved him and I’m forever grateful that he knew that.
I also want people to know it’s ok not to be ok. You don’t have to be strong. We’re not taught how to watch a loved one’s health decline, what it’s like to hold their hand as they’re told they’ve not got long left, or to wonder why love wasn’t enough to save them.
“Dad was originally diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma in December 2022. He had chemo which he actually sailed through. Unsurprisingly, he felt a bit ropey when he finished but we all expected that. It was at this time that he first developed a cough. He didn’t tell anyone because he presumed it was another side effect of the chemo.
“On 12th June, Dad had a routine follow up scan which found a mass in the soft tissue under his arm. It was then that he told the doctors about the cough and that he was losing weight and feeling very tired.
How is it lung cancer?
“They started talking about lung cancer. I was really confused. I couldn’t understand why they were talking about lung cancer when the mass was in his arm, and no one would give me any information. Eventually, we were told by the oncology nurse that there was also a mass in his lung. She apologised and said we should have been told earlier.
“It was devastating. They tried to do a biopsy, but it was deemed too dangerous. They drained the fluid on his lungs and said they would look to see if there was anything sinister or cancerous.
“I would cry on the way to work, almost grieving for someone who was still here but knowing that I would probably soon be planning his funeral. Who could I turn to? Sadly, I wasn’t aware of the charity at the time.
“I wasn’t sleeping but I felt like I had to pretend to be ok. Maybe I should have reached out for help, but I felt foolish for wanting to say that I can’t stop crying because how will I manage when he’s not here? There was this need to be strong. I was Dad’s carer and to a certain extent my mum’s carer too.
In hindsight, I now know I should have asked for help, and I want people to know that even if the hospital doesn’t signpost them to help that they must go and look for it.
Rapid decline
“On Tuesday 1st August, the doctors confirmed Dad had lung cancer. He was given 3-4 months to live but by Thursday, he was bedbound and barely able to breathe. He was blue lighted to hospital, and we were told it was unlikely that he would make it through the night.
“On Friday though, he looked a lot better. He asked me to bring in photos of the dogs when I visited the next day so he could show the nurse. I stayed until visiting hours ended then went home. He died an hour later.
Struggling to cope
“We went back to the hospital to say goodbye. He looked very peaceful. It was like he was asleep, but I was distraught and couldn’t stay. I had an anxiety attack and was looked after by a nurse. It was all just too much.
“Afterwards, I contacted New Scotland Yard who arranged for a force flag to be provided for his coffin; Dad had joined the Metropolitan Police since he was 18. It was where he met and fell in love with mum.
“His police family was a real support for us. We had so many cards and messages. I read a eulogy at his service because I wanted to share funny stories.
“Then Father’s Day hit. It was awful. All the bad memories flooded back, and it was like losing him all over again. I cried everyday for a week after Father’s Day. I haven’t told anyone that until now.
“That’s why I wanted to share this experience. Dad was a true gentleman and was always willing to help. I hope in doing so, I can help others who are caring for the people they love the most.”
